[Movie Review] CROC!
CROC! l Uncork’d Entertainment
CROC! is a movie. A movie with a croc and an exclamation mark. Oh, I need more than that? Well, okay, let’s get into it, I suppose.

CROC! is brought to us by writer/director Paul W.F Franklin and stars Sian Altman, Mark Haldor, Antonia Whillans, and Chrissie Wunna.

The movie opens with beautiful English countryside, but keep it in your pants because we won’t be exploring it in any facet. A giant CROC! eats some random people. It is CGI and has a flippy tongue. It’s actually kind of cute and very clean looking.

Fast-forward to, I don’t know, the next day? The father of a bride-to-be (Mark Haldor) has stilted and muffled dialogue with the event coordinator of the place where CROC! lives. I then turn up the sound so I can hear them better, but it doesn’t help.

He used to be some kind of African tracker until something happened. Suddenly, he and the events coordinator are having very graphic sex in a hot tub. She has some nice tattoos. We never see her again.

Six months later, the wedding is finally coming together. The bride, Lisa (Sian Altman) shows up with a lot of friends to act as fodder- er, I mean, bridesmaids. There are no groomsmen, just one dopey Best Man (Stephen Staley) to her awful groom (George Nettleton).

Immediately, we all know that Lisa should end up with her best friend, the beautiful and lovely Amy (Antonia Whillan) because they have better chemistry and Amy is perfect. Alas, Lisa decides to go ahead with the wedding unbeknownst to her that her groom is horrible and is sleeping with another bridesmaid ( (Beatrice Fletcher).

But before they can tie the knot, omg, there’s a CROC! Can Lisa manage to save herself and her friends, all while getting through what was supposed to be the happiest day of her life?

So, okay, as you can see, I wasn’t a major fan of this film. There’s a lot of bad CGI, which, yeah, par for the course in these types of movies, but they showed their hand way early. The CROC! also needs people to fall down so it can eat them, so there were many silly falls into the CROC!‘s mouth. And some noticeable nods to Jurassic Park, Jaws, and Jurassic World.

The CROC! itself is not menacing because it’s so CGI, that it’s so obvious and jarring. But also, like, he’s kind of cute with his little tongue waggling as he zooms in to eat people. He also teleports because there’s no way he can be in all those places at once. He just kind of wanders over to people to eat them (he can also open doors, clever CROC!), instead of being the stealthy ambush hunter that CROCS! are in real life.

The sound mixing or something was off because people mumbled through lines, and it was hard to catch what they were saying when they were giving exposition dumps. There was literally one scene of where almost everyone was screaming, then a shot of Lisa screaming silently, then back to everyone screaming. I don’t think it was intentional and if it was, then I question why it’s there.

The music is forgettable and doesn’t really add anything to the scenes. The cinematography was basic cookie-cutter creature feature, and as I said, for being shot in such a beautiful place, it was flat and boring. It’s almost a talent to make an English countryside / Tudor home flat and boring. It’s literally built for beauty.

CROC! never really gets into ‘it’s so bad, it’s good’ territory, nor does it play into the tongue-in-cheek British style of humor we all know and love. It’s just all flat. The acting, the sound, the CROC! — everything.

The only saving grace is that I’m now in love with Amy. She was the only character I actually liked and really shipped with Lisa. So, kudos to Antonia Whillans, you made this movie fine.

But if you like scary creature features, I’d look elsewhere. If you like humorous creature features, I’d look elsewhere. If you like creature features trying to be scary but are actually humorous, I’d look elsewhere. Because CROC! just doesn’t have the bite.

CROC! is now available on DVD and Digital!

J.M. Brannyk
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