Random spoilers ahead. Please do not read if you don’t want to know the ending of that movie you want to see that hasn’t come out yet.

Times are tough for everyone…

You don’t need anyone rehashing everything that’s happened and is still happening in 2020. Go to other websites for that kind of news. I know a lot of people really need help and those that would normally not hesitate to give aid are stretched thin.

I’m going to be another one of those people that ask you for help. I’m not going to ask you for money, but I will ask you to listen on behalf of a friend of mine who has lost his home over the past couple of weeks and is looking for another one. Even if you don’t allow your home or room, maybe you know someone. Maybe you know more than one someone.

Maybe you know some someones.

If you or someone you know is lonely or just in need of some genuine company, I may have the person/doll inhabited by the spirit of a serial killer for you. I cannot guarantee you’ll get along, but I can pretty much guarantee that while you’re living with my friend Chucky someone will probably end up dead.

Probably in your shared space.

Probably not cleaned up. You’ll come home from work one Tuesday night get some takeout, possibly pick up some rentals from the video store.

Question: Does This Scenario Take Place In 1995?

Then you’ll come home, see another dead body in your home, drop your boxes of Chang Hermanos Chinese-Mexican fusion all over the floor, the containers explode as they make contact with the blood drenched linoleum, and now you’ll have to clean up food as well as get rid of a corpse because you know Chucky sure isn’t going to help.

On top your dinner being lost because it’s now in a pile on the wood flooring, your gag reflex has been activated because you forgot you really don’t like seeing freshly made corpses, especially because you’re now aware of the coppery smell of blood as it oozes out of Chucky’s latest victim.

It looks like your neighbor Vince. You’re not necessarily upset that he’s dead, because he was kind of a douche, but you do wish Chucky could have killed him somewhere else so you don’t have to clean it up. You also wish Chucky was taller than a foot so he could at least help you move the body.

Question- Wait. You have both linoleum AND wood flooring?

If none of this is a dealbreaker while you’re considering Chucky for a roommate, I have info on some of his previous roommates if you feel that’s something you need.

Question- Why would any landlord or homeowner allow a doll that’s killed dozens of people onscreen and tens of people offscreen on the lease or rental agreement.

Because people need companionship. I know it would be better for some if Chucky were the type of doll that vibrates, but we get what we get.

Ex-Roommate #1- Brandon Breyer from BRIGHTBURN

Still from BRIGHTBURN

Once you’ve developed super powers, killed a bunch of people in your little burg of a town (including your parents), and are barely out of Junior High, not a lot of people are going to want to have you around. Such was the case for Brandon Breyer (Jackson A. Dunn), Chucky’s ex-roommate from Brightburn, the town and the movie. A creepy white kid starts killing people and you just assume it’s in a classroom or a movie theater. But to kill in such an epic fashion as Brandon, despite have no credit score whatsoever because he’s just a preteen, no wonder Chucky jumped at the chance to live with him, even if it was only for a couple of months.

After Brandon left Brightburn, he roomed with Chucky and they had a lot of murdering random people 6 nights of the week except for Sunday because Sunday was for watching Lovecraft Country.

What ultimately make the living arrangement unsustainable was not the numerous dead bodies they each brought home, but the fact that both Brandon and Chucky were so short as to not be able to reach the top shelves in their 2-bedroom. You wonder why Brandon didn’t just fly to the higher shelves to get a coffee filter or box of exotic Jell-O.

Brandon tried it a couple of times but he would overestimate the force needed and shoot himself up the ceiling and would end up head first through the floor of their upstairs neighbors. Then they would call the landlord and the landlord would call the superintendent for repairs and then Chucky and Brandon would have to kill the super which is super inconvenient and then the people upstairs which doesn’t really endear you to anybody.

Chucky and Brandon stopped living together after six months. Brandon gave Chucky one of his capes. Chucky gave Brandon one of his overalls. Brandon wears them when he can’t sleep.

Ex-Roommate #2- Sarah from STARRY EYES

Still from STARRY EYES

When you’re trying to make it as an actress and you live with too many people and your job at Big Taters isn’t enough to level up in terms of housing, one could be part of a cult to alter your destiny and be the actor you’ve always wanted to be.

Sarah (Alex Essoe) eventually attained stardom thanks to the forces of evil and the cult of the puffy robes she became a part of. Before she got a mansion in the Hills she lived with Chucky while it was being built. Sarah understood what she was getting into and never minded when Chucky would come home with the random victim or when Chucky would kill the Doordash driver before the delivery.

Sarah demanded that Chucky stop killing after 10 pm on nights she had to get up early for auditions. When she woke up early in the a.m. she didn’t want to go over her lines with a corpse on the kitchen floor or sitting on her favorite chair in their dining room. That worked well for months until Sarah got callbacks to play Andy’s mom in the Child’s Play remake.

Chucky was so hurt he cried himself to sleep for days afterward. We all know Aubrey Plaza got the part, but the damage was done.

Ex-Roommate #3- Peter from HEREDITARY

Still from HEREDITARY

You’ve just been inhabited by the demon Paimon, but your entire family has been killed. Your sister got to know a telephone pole really well. Your mom was never going to win mother of the year anyway, and now she’s gone. Your dad is now char.

On top of all that you now need  place to live. Sure, you’ve got an entire cult of old people that would gladly take you in, but you’re young and don’t want to be hanging around a bunch of naked octogenarians while you’re in your possessed prime.

So you go live with Chucky as you’re both possessed by malevolent entities.

The honeymoon lasts for months as you both keep the same hours and like killing the same people.

But Chucky LOVES peanuts.

Peter does, um, not. Ever since his sister lost her head over a nut allergy, Peter has had a strong Pavlovian reaction to them, crying like a bitch, wailing every time he sees them.

Peter/Paimon left. Not because of murder, but because of nuts.

Overall.

There you have it. Three of Chucky’s ex-roommates, proving even the most affable of homicidal dolls sometimes wear out their welcome. Maybe, these guys and girl didn’t work out because the perfect roommate victim just might be you…or someone you know.

2020 has been ______ but having a companion that’s willing to listen and be there for you makes everything more bearable. You don’t have that with Chucky, but at least you know he won’t be borrowing your clothes.

Noel Penaflor
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Noel never knows if he should talk about himself in the 1st or 3rd person. Loves horror movies and cake. You can find more of his writing at https://hubpages.com/@noelpenaflor7. He loves you. There, he said it.
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