He was born Timothée Hal Chalamet in late December in the year 1995 in Manhattan, New York.

Hal? Sure, we’ll go with it.

He’s been hailed as the greatest actor whose first name starts with a ‘T’ and ends with a vowel, much less two vowels (we’ll get to that later).

He’s been in such arty award magnet films like Call Me By Your Name, Beautiful Boy along with his work with writer/director Greta Gerwig Little Women and 2017’s Lady Bird.

Such an impressive resume for such a young man, wouldn’t you agree? Of course you would, but what’s even more impressive is his kill count. While his primary vocation is that of an actor, where his gifts truly lie is as an assassin of international renown, where his kill count is staggering, almost (REDACTED) confirmed dead or at least bleeding a lot as of this date.

Within the international assassin community, Timothée Chalamet is known as “Le roi Dragon”, which is loosely translated into “The Dragon King”. I don’t know if you’ve ever hung out with members of the international assassin community (you can’t visit them on Facebook or Twitter because they don’t have pages, but they do have a pretty active Etsy and somewhat subdued Pinterest) but they wouldn’t give just anyone the nickname Dragon King if you were just a little bitch.

Question: Why does he have two ‘e’s at the end of his first name? Is that a traditional spelling of Timothy?

Glad you asked. When Timothée started out as an international assassin, his name was just Timothe. You know how James Bond has a Double-O rating? After Timothe killed over (REDACTED) at San Diego Comic-Con, he got promoted to ‘EE’ status. Hence, Timothée.

I don’t know how many more people Chalamet will have to assassinate in order to get an ‘EEE’ rating, but sometime in the future when you’re seeing the trailer to Greta Gerwig’s new movie and you see the names “Saoirse Ronan” followed by “TimothéeE Chalamet” in the credits, then you’ll know that more motherfuckers are dead.

Question: But what if your name is Shannon and you kill enough people to earn an ‘EE’ upgrade? Does that mean she’d be Shannonee?

I can’t tell you that. It isn’t because if I told you then I’d have to kill you. If I told you, then Timothée Chalamet would have to kill you.

Side note – Noel here. Sorry to interrupt the listicle, but I just want to be clear that I just used the name Shannon as an example, not just because she’s the owner of this website and stuff. Also, I’m not implying she’s an international assassin, but I try not to miss any deadlines if you know what I mean…

Now onto the list.

Keep in mind, if you happen to be watching any of these movies with Timothée Chalamet and you’re planning to grab a bite to eat afterwards, it’s not going to happen. Because if he’s watching any of these movies, where he’s going you don’t want to be anywhere near because the person he’s going to see afterwards will be dead.

Unless of course, that person is you.

LADY BIRD (2017)

Greta Gerwig’s directorial debut also serves/served as the first-ever “trigger” movie for our young Timothée. Why? Because before Gerwig became a director of considerable prominence, she was also one of Timothée Chalamet’s first handlers. When she was exclusively acting she supplemented her income side hustling as an intercontinental as opposed to an international assassin.

Fun Fact – Greta Gerwig isn’t her real name. I don’t know what it is, but the initials ‘GG’ states what level she reached before she retired from killing as she wanted more time to write her screenplays. That she kept the initials means she could go back to it any time between movies or whatever.

Anyway, Gerwig not only noticed Chalamet as a brilliant young actor and cast him in LADY BIRD, but also embedded into the movie a line which would trigger him into killing his next designated target. Whenever Saoirse Ronan says the line, “The only thing exciting about 2002 is that it’s a palindrome,” Timothée Chalamet unconsciously gets up from his seat whether at home or in the theater. His training takes over and another contract is completed.

To this day, Timothée Chalamet has never seen LADY BIRD all the way through.

THE VAST OF NIGHT (2019)

This sci-fi two-hander is one of Timothée Chalamet’s favorite movies to kill to. It’s not just because he likes the movie, it’s because he really enjoys wearing the 50s style headsets that Sierra McCormick has on for a good portion of the movie. Especially when he kills.

So if you happen to see Timothée Chalamet wearing giant-ass headsets coming towards you or someone you love, it’s probably going to be the last thing you’ll ever see. It’s better that you know this now so when you see him you won’t ask yourself or the person you’re with, “Is that Timothée Chalamet coming towards us wearing a giant headset?”

I tell you this as a favor so you could have cooler final words like, “If you must, Timothée, you Chala-MAY kill me,” I’m giving you that for free because I like you.

Okay, I’ll give you another one. If/when you see Timothée coming to kill you, step to him and say (with feeling), “Kill me by your name”. It won’t stop him from killing you but Timothée will have a huge grin while fulfilling his contract and usually means it’s less painful for you.

Also, check out our review of THE VAST OF NIGHT here.

MANDY (2018)

Chainsaws.

It’s after seeing this Nicolas Cage thriller that Timothée Chalamet asked his handlers to make MANDY one of his “trigger” movies because he so loved the chainsaw scene and wanted to assassinate people in just such a fashion. His bosses said that contract killing by chainsaw might be too, um, messy and loud. Chalamet didn’t care. The first time he killed using chainsaws did not go well. As you know, Timothée Chalamet is a great actor, but his physique is pretty slight and he did not prepare well for actually handling a chainsaw in order to kill someone. He thought he could do it because Nic Cage did. He was flailing and didn’t really have the machine under control. Because he’s such a professional, the contract was fulfilled but it was very messy.

Timothée Chalamet now has a special smaller-sized chainsaw that he handles with great care and skill.

So after a MANDY screening and you see Timothée Chalamet coming towards you with a chainsaw, you could say, “I chain-SAW you coming towards me,” and let that be your last words. He’s now so skilled with a chainsaw that you won’t even feel it.

Until it reaches your skin and then you’ll really feel it. Just ask our dead friend (REDACTED).

Also, check out our review of MANDY here.

As of these writing, these are the only three movies that “trigger” Timothée Chalamet into an International Assassin. If there are any more I’ll be sure to let you know. But if you find out anymore I won’t expect a list because I’ll just assume you’re his next target.

See you on the next listicle.

Hey, I just got a text from Timothée Chalamet asking if he wants to see SCARE PACKAGE. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Unless I don’t…

 

Noel Penaflor
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Noel never knows if he should talk about himself in the 1st or 3rd person. Loves horror movies and cake. You can find more of his writing at https://hubpages.com/@noelpenaflor7. He loves you. There, he said it.
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