Over the past couple of weeks and months, you’ve no doubt visited your favorite horror and/or movie websites and viewed countless listicles sharing with you horror movies you could/should be watching during quarantine. You’ve seen some of them, some of them you haven’t but are going to get around to whenever you get the chance.
Personally, if I didn’t know any better I’d think that some of those writers are trying to kill you. Maybe not intentionally (actually, I have no idea if he/she wants you dead because I don’t know you. There may be a particularly good reason), but to post a list of movies to watch without posting a list of movies NOT to watch is just irresponsible bordering on dangerous.
If you read a movie on this list that you’ve seen while you’ve been in quarantine…
I don’t know a nice way to break this to you but you’re pretty much fucked. I wish I could say there was some kind of loophole, some kind of way to get out of it, but that would be like jumping out of a plane without a parachute and expecting gravity to change its mind. It’s just not going to happen.
But if you haven’t seen any of these movies and are thinking about it, please don’t.
I realize you’re not just going to take my word for it. Along with the movies, I’ve compiled some testimonials from people who have suffered dire consequences or have known some people who’ve watched these movies.
THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA (2019)
I’m putting this bland Conjure-verse offering from 2019 on first because it’s the one you’re least likely to see because you’ve read all the bad reviews and terrible word of mouth and the only way you were going to see this if it were to somehow add another 4 figures to your stimulus money. Some of you wasted time and cash seeing this back in April of last year and you’ve regretted it ever since.
Question: So why would we not watch it while we’re in quarantine? Is it because of La Llorona? Will the weeping woman seek revenge on us?
No. Not at all. Nothing about the actual movie itself is inherently dangerous. Until the end credits. About 45 seconds before the credits end there is a spell written in a dead language right between the credits for ADR voice casting and casting assistant. If you place your eyes on it for more than a moment, your mind will register the spell and unleash the Puerto Rican monster La Chupacabra. It will come through your TV screen and feast on the poultry and livestock you have lying around in your living room. If you don’t have any poultry or livestock in your living room…then La Chupacabra will feast on you! Don’t believe me? Well, maybe you’ll believe this.
Testimonial: “Because I was bored, I decided to watch THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA. I fell asleep 20 minutes in because it was so dull. I woke up as the end credits were starting to crawl. I saw what looked like a spell written in a dead language right between the credits for ADR voice casting and casting assistant. Then a Chupacabra came out of my television screen and ate my husband and son. I knew the movie was going to suck, but to have this happen as well really takes the taco.” – Brenda Remington from Huntington Beach.
You can read our review of the film here.
No, CATS (2019) is not technically a horror movie but tell it to those unfortunate few who have actually seen it. It’s not scary, except on a base existential level seeing so many talented people make something so dreadful.
Question: What does this have to do with a pandemic?
Glad you asked. Back in December people ran out of theaters screening CATS right into oncoming traffic rather than sit through another minute of this dreck. When CATS was released on video and digital in early April, you wondered if it was worth seeing despite all the negative reviews. It wasn’t. It really wasn’t.
Testimonial: “I wrote this musical and even I think this movie is appallingly bad. Think of your sanity. Think of the children.” – Andrew Lloyd Webber.
You can read our review of the film here.
There’s a reason great character actor Clint Howard always gets cast as the creepy guy you never want to be around because he’ll murder you and then do unsavory things with your corpse.
Clint’s brother Ron Howard was born with a talent for acting and directing.
Clint could act a little, but his inborn talent is acute hearing and the ability to walk through walls. Sometime in 1982 when Clint’s horror movie EVILSPEAK came out on VHS (look it up, kids), Clint found out he could hear whenever someone would rent it and start playing the movie. He would then feel compelled to walk over to the person’s house, walk through his/her walls, and just start watching the movie, invitation be damned. Clint Howard just can’t help himself.
In the Coronavirus era, this means if you start streaming or watching the Blu-ray of EVILSPEAK, Clint Howard will walk over to your house and watch with you. He won’t wash his hands. He won’t sanitize himself. He’ll be a petri dish of disease, and there are no walls or laws that can stop him.
Watch EVILSPEAK at your own risk.
Testimonial: “My Brother is a Demon and an Ice Cream Man” – Ron Howard.
There you have it. 3 horror movies you must not watch while in quarantine. Are there more than 3? Of course there are, and that is a list for another time.
Question: Can’t you just leave us a bullet list of the other movies? Without the other commentary, testimonials, and explanation? I think people would just like to have it handy.
I would, but I’m having Clint Howard over for dinner and a movie. We’re watching 3 From Hell and he’s Mr. Baggy Britches.
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