Here we go again!
As a practitioner of monster hugging science, I take great pains to make sure I’m diving deeply into the many subgenres of snarling supernaturals. But it’s important to remember, not all monsters hail from R’lyeh.
Today we’re putting on our safety pads and hugging some familiar freaks from right here on earth. That’s right, it’s time for animals gone wild.
Allegedly named after Stephen Spielberg’s lawyer, Bruce was the on-set name of the great white shark at the center of the 1975 proto-blockbuster JAWS.
Like many, I saw JAWS when I was way too young and nearly died of a heart attack at the ripe old age of five (Thanks, mom!). But now, as a very mature adult—who am I kidding I’m still terrified. Can you blame me? That freaky fish chomps humans with the same gusto as a teenager ploughing through an extra-large stuffed crust pizza.
That said, when you get a good look at him, he’s kinda cute with his beady eyes and cute pointy nose. Maybe if he was asleep it wouldn’t be so bad . . .
Bruce = asleep
I don’t even have to think about this one. I am not down.
Nope. Uh uh.
But I better explain. I don’t know if this happens where you live, but around these parts, the crows go through a hyper-aggressive period every spring when their babies start to learn how to fly. How aggressive? Not only do they scream and swoop you for blocks if you accidentally get too close, but they also hold a killer grudge.
So, as previously stated. Nope. Uh uh. Mega pass.
The Birds = Mega pass
Listen, I don’t know if I can fault Ella for the tragic events of MONKEY SHINES. She was just doing what she was genetically engineered to do—namely protect her human.
So let’s break it down.
Pros: She’s cute. She’s loyal. And she’s very smart. I don’t even know many humans who could figure out how to get away with arson or electrocute someone’s mother while in the bathtub. Cons: She’s pretty unreasonable. Ella is a hyper-intelligent monkey, but she doesn’t seem to distinguish between crimes against her human charge. If you mess with Allan, you’re gonna die.
I’m gonna have to go with hugging Ella. Just look at that sweet lil face (did I mention she’s cute?). Plus, it could be nice to have an attack monkey around.
Ella = HUG IMMEDIATELY
Here’s another species set that’s just doing their thing.
I’m sure it would be terrifying to face off against a congregation of ‘gators, but at no point would I fault them for their actions. Actually, alligators and I have a lot in common. We both like to eat. We both go for what we want. In fact, the only major difference between us is I only crawl around on my belly for the first hour of the day.
While it might turn out to be painful to wrap the spiky CRAWL crew in my sweet, sweet embrace, I don’t really see a reason not to.
They have been fed recently though, right?
CRAWL Alligators = We’re a go
Poor. Freakin. Cujo.
This is a tricky one. On the one hand, this is another faultless situation. Cujo didn’t mean to get rabies. He’s just a loveable St. Bernard who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. On the other hand, he does have, ya know, rabies. I have an irrational fear of rabies.
Well, maybe it’s not irrational to be frightened by a virus that can become incurable in as short as 10 days. But it is irrational to be worried about it on a day-to-day basis (emoji shrug).
While I’m inclined to cuddle, there is one other problem to contend with: he’s reeaaally drippy. Like gross. Does rabies make dogs sweat? I mean, I know dogs don’t sweat, but what is going on there?
It pains me, but I think I’m going to have to stick with Donna and Tad on this one and stay in the car. Sorry, old buddy. You’re just too gooey for me.
Cujo = Stay in the car
Well, we’ve come to the end of the line once again folks. Keep your eyes peeled for more ferocious freak enfolding here on Nightmarish Conjurings in the near future. And remember, when in doubt, don’t be afraid to share the love.