6 UNDERGROUND, the most recent action movie to hit Netflix directed by Michael Bay and starring Ryan Reynolds (Two Guys, A Girl and Pizza Place then Two Guys and a Girl), is an action-packed movie about a dictator of Turgistan (which was a province located in present-day Pakistan) besieged by anti-heroes known only by number, not name. Our six heroes have faked their deaths to band together under the leadership of young billionaire Ryan Reynolds to right the wrongs of the global world. They’re ghosts (but not dead, just ghosting their lives like with online dating).
And that’s all you need to know. It’s a Michael Bay movie so here’s what you can and probably want to expect. There’s a car chase that whips through an Italian museum. “Is that the statue with the tiny…” quips Five (Dave Franco) as he skids a lime green sports car next to Michelangelo’s “Statue of David” and we focus on the statue’s penis.
There’s a guy (Ben Hardy) standing atop The Duomo of The Cathedral of Santa Maria del Fiore who then slides down the side. And he’s called SKYWALKER… but they only go by numbers so… Four. There’s bleeding heart soldier stuff in Five’s (Corey Hawkins, Straight Outta Compton) experience with PTSD from I think Iraq? Anyway, his whole battalion dies so he’s got a real thing about “no man left behind”.
There are limited subtitles. Everyone speaks English. Even when a Turgistanian rebel is broadcasting within his country to his people to rise up, he speaks English. There are whip pans and steering wheels turned one way while the car goes the other and bright colors followed by scenes drained of color because we’re sad now.
There are skinny girls having sex and swearing they’re too tough for love (but I love you Mélanie Laurent). She’s not going to meet your mother, you’re just fucking you, silly man. There are skinny girls with long dark hair we see for a moment and characters are STRUCK by it. STRUCK.
There are explosions. At sea AND a Chinese luxury apartment! There’s bizarre tech that probably can’t happen but, maaaaaan, if it could… that’d be so sweet. There are gun battles! Not John Wick level (what is) but bullets are flying.
And there’s STUNNING product placement. I know when I’m flying my passenger plane, I’m thinking Red Bull. And if I’m having lunch with my Furious 6, you better believe we’re drinking Heineken. Heist with Heineken. That’s my pitch.
It’s a Michael Bay movie on Netflix. It’s perfect for when you come home late and drunk but are too “up” to go to sleep. It makes almost no sense. It rides pretty hard on Ryan Reynold’s charm. Maybe a third of the movie is ADR. It didn’t need to be two hours but here we are. It’s a Michael Bay movie. That’s it. Characters are pissy and jaded. They work to do the right thing, almost die, learn some lessons, other people REALLY die, then we get our poster line.
“One… but not done.”
This was, maybe, the goriest Michael Bay movie I’ve ever seen. Decapitations, knives flying en masse, I think I remember a head blown off and a tongue rolling out as the body hit the floor (cue Drowning Pool).
I kind of wish they had just leaned into everything visual and just cut out the dialogue. Do you know how hard it is to not look at your phone when a character you’ve been given no reason to care about has been talking for five minutes about morality? It’s hard. Really hard. Come on movie. Be quiet, get in the Mini Coop and let’s drive through more museums and make fun of art.
It’s a Michael Bay movie. Don’t put on airs. There’s nothing else to say. Why are you even reading this review? What, you want to make sure it’s a “good” Michael Bay movie? There’s only one reason you go to see these movies and I listed them at the top. I’m sure you have Netflix, just go put the damn thing on. It’s better than Murder Mystery. I promise.
Oh and, no, the Sneaker Pimps song makes no appearance in this movie. A real missed opportunity. 6 UNDERGROUND arrives on Netflix December 13, 2019.