As threatened during my last foray into enfolding freaks, I’ve returned to share my love of monsters with you.
Today, we’re headed to the drive-in, folks. The world of al fresco film is overflowing with monsters ranging from the accidently cuddly to the intentionally mind-boggling. Now let’s get down to business and try hugging some of these creeps.
If there is one thing you should know about me it’s that my favorite monsters are evil scarecrows and vengeance-seeking pumpkin demons. Specific, I know. What can I say? I have Halloween in my heart.
Given this new information, you may think I would give the most famous 80s squash head a hug, but I’m inclined to pass.
First, I’d have to summon it with the help of a witch and my own blood, then it would start destroying all my enemies . . . it just sounds like a lot. But he is undeniably the most metal looking creature around. Maybe I’d just get a selfie with him instead.
Pumpkinhead = Selfie
Do you all know Alymer?
Alymer is a worm-like parasite that dopes you up with psychedelics via a needle-like proboscis he inserts into the back of your neck. The only major issue with Alymer is you have to feed him brains to keep him happy.
Sigh, so much in life is imperfect.
I want to say I would hug Alymer, but I really think I should pass. Parasites, in general, are not my jam. They’re sneaky and really only out for themselves no matter what they tell you in a deep, debonair male voice.
Give Brain Damage a watch and check out the carnage this little guy can cause, and you’ll see what I mean.
Alymer = Thanks for the offer, but no thank you
KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE
I love Killer Klowns. I think they’re great. They’re funny. They have cool props. They even cocoon people in cotton candy.
Even so, I have a hard time understanding their motivations. Why are they running around killing and eating people? As far as we know, this was their first time on earth, so it’s not like they need human flesh to survive. Are they just transient predators moving from planet to planet eating whatever tasty creatures they find?
Without a clear understanding of what I’m up against, it’s hard to say “yes” to a quick clown squeeze. Buuuttt, I’ve been fairly anti-monster hugging in this post, so let’s give it a go, shall we?
Killer Klowns = Tentative yes
Oh boy. Now we’re getting into tricky territory.
For the uninitiated, Belile is a deformed Siamese twin who was separated from his nondeformed brother Duane at birth. This would make him a prime monster hug candidate, but there’s one drawback. He’s homicidal AF.
Once this contorted creep gets out of his basket, all hell breaks loose. He maims, he tortures, in fact, he does some problematic stuff that makes me not really want to rewatch this movie.
So do we hug this bulbous boy?
Belile = Nahhh.
IT’S ALIVE BABY
LOOK HOW CUTE HE IS!
Now, I’m no doctor, but in my opinion, there is nothing wrong with the Davis’ baby. His eyes are adorable. His teeth are nice and sharp — a clear sign of health in a monster infant. And he has the most intimidating biceps I’ve seen in the 3-and-under category.
Sure, he likes to eat milkmen, but the upside to that is there aren’t any milkmen anymore.
(Question for later reflection: What is the non-gendered term for this profession? “Milk people” does not have a good ring to it.)
I’m of the opinion that all babies need love, no matter how murderous. So this one is a no brainer.
It’s Alive Baby = Yes
Well fellow freak fans, what do you think? Would you hug any of these devious drive-in icons? I want to know!