Whether they’re hell-bent on destruction or just misunderstood, everyone’s in need of a good hug. Right?
Today, I’d like to look at just a few of the thousands of horror movie monsters out there to see whether I think I could stand — human to creature — and give these creeps a hug.
We’re going to get this one out of the way up top. While there are plenty of artists’ depictions of cute lil xenomorphs drooling precious, neon green acid, which makes me think some of you people would hug one, I am not going to. No way.
I know that makes me a little cruel since it’s pretty clear from that shot when he jumps out at Dallas in ALIEN that he’s looking for the old double armed chest bump, but it’s not gonna happen. After all, the first stage of the xenomorph life cycle is colloquially referred to as “facehugger” and we all know how that turns out.
Xenomorph = no.
C. H. U. D.
Honestly, these guys are kinda cute with their big, glowy bug eyes and little snarls. Sure, they have an unstoppable compulsion toward cannibalism, and sure they probably don’t smell super great due to the underground dwelling situation, but you can’t deny that they’re the original victims in all this. If the government hadn’t improperly disposed of all that nuclear waste, the C. H. U. D’s would have never existed.
Now it’s likely that I’m just diseased, but I have to admit that I find a lot of the 80s drive-in monsters pretty cute.
In fact, one (aka me) could argue that the drive-in style of monster has a better chance of being huggable . . . I see a follow-up list in my future.
What is the Thing’s true form? Anybody? Can I actually make an informed decision on this matter if I don’t really know what I’m hugging?
I guess I’ll just have to go with my gut, which I won’t be able to do for long when the Thing starts sprouting those ropy tentacles and waving them at me with a frantic intensity found only in the profoundly hungry.
My guess? I wrap this shapeshifting extraterrestrial in my embrace and I turn monster by morning. And yet, for the sake of science, it might be kinda cool. Like, do I stay alive in there? Is my consciousness absorbed into a larger consciousness consisting of all those absorbed before me? Am I overthinking this?
The Thing = Maybe
Here comes our first logistics problem.
The Cloverfield monster is HUGE. Massive.
I doubt if it would even know that I’d given it the whole-body handclasp due to our size difference. Could you imagine me, my arms spread wide, trying to hug its ankle? I would look like that picture of your aunt on Facebook. You know the one of her hugging a tree on her vacation to the redwoods. The big difference is my tree is a massive, angry monster that can move. The chances of getting flung loose and crushed to death are pretty darn high.
My official opinion, hugging the Cloverfield monster? No worth the risk.
Cloverfield Monster = Too Risky
Here’s another one that ultimately turns out to be pretty cute.
Let’s break it down.
Starts as Jeff Goldblum
Mutates into a disgusting, decaying creature
Ends as a cute puppet fly begging for death
I honestly don’t see what’s not to hug. Yes. He does throw up on a doughnut, mimicking the fly’s eating process of vomiting digestive juices on to food to break it down for consumption. But it’s Jeff Goldblum vomiting digestive juices on to food to break it down for consumption.
Even as the fully transformed fly, he’s kind of precious as he comes to his senses and tries to protect those around him.
Am I giving Brundlefly a squeeze? You already know the answer.
Brundlefly = Yes
There is no healthy debate on this one no matter which way you slice it.
Hugging a jug of slugs has got to be on the very top my list of things I would decline to do at a dinner party. This might not make me a very entertaining contestant on FEAR FACTOR, but we all have our limitations, and I’ve come to accept mine.
These slugs are gross and they stick (lol puns) with you. Can you honestly tell me you haven’t been subconsciously thinking about the bathtub scene in that film ever since I brought the slippery suckers up? I thought not.
I’d like to hear a good argument for hugging a slug. What would you get out of it? They’re not cute; they’re not Jeff Goldblum, and they’re sure as hell not visually pleasing (insert gagging sound). Go ahead, I’m happy to wait.
Slugs = NO
So it seems I really do have a soft spot for monsters of all shapes and sizes — although my instinct toward self-preservation does preclude me from locking bodies from just any old creature.
What horrifying hellions would you heap on a helping of a hug? I want to know!