Gawd, I love “The X-Files”! Truly, madly, deeply. I might as well be Savage Garden. I told everyone that today was a holiday. When they looked at me like I was crazy, I graciously informed them that today was the premiere of Season 11 of “The X-Files” and therefore categorized as a holiday. That didn’t extinguish the crazy looks but I don’t care. I wore my “I Want To Believe” shirt, and my son sported his “I Don’t Believe in Humans” shirt and we were ready to go, but good lord was I not ready for this premiere.

Let’s wind it back to Season Ten of “The X-Files”. The TL;DR, Scully found out that the Cigarette Smoking Man (CSM from now on played by William B. Davis) didn’t get all ‘splodey like they thought and is in fact alive and planning to extinguish nearly all of the human race. He was an alien virus that will wipe out everyone except the very select 1% with alien genomes hidden in their DNA from abductions and experiments. Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson) discovered she has that genome and Fox Mulder (David Duchovny) doesn’t, as indicated by the wicked infection killing him at the end of the episode.

Their son, William, and his stem cells are Mulder’s only hope and the season ends with a bright light shining down on the duo on a highway bridge as the world falls to shit and aliens come to take them away. Intense, am I right?

I was desperately curious where they were going to take it. Turns out, it was all a vision. Turns out, Scully is somehow siphoning William’s visions of the end of the world, even though she has no idea where he is, but she does know that CSM needs him to start his apocalyptic plans.

Mulder is hesitant to believe Scully when she wakes up from her vision seizure, which is ironic considering all the bullshit he has laid out to her in the past, but quickly believes her after he realizes he’s being followed. He outwits his stalker and follows him to the gigantic home of the CSM, who by the way, has orchestrated some large events like, I dunno, THE FAKING OF THE MOON LANDING. Conspiracy theorists are having a field day with this episode.

The whole premiere started with the escapades of CSM over the course of his life since the 60’s. Also, if you forgot or didn’t know, CSM is Mulder’s real dad. If you think that’s slightly soap opera-esque, hold on to your panties people, it’s going to get worse.

Mulder doesn’t find CSM in the big house, but he does find a rather rotund smoking man and Barbara Hershey for some reason. They want Fox to kill CSM and save humanity because they plan to colonize space. Mulder calls BS and points out they want CSM dead for their own nefarious plans and proceeds to “move bitch, get out tha way” to the leader and his toadies.

During this, Scully somehow leaves the hospital with more visions and get’s into a car accident, sending her right back to the hospital and into the hands of one of the rotund smoker’s goons, who proceeds to try and smother her with a pillow until Mulder straight up slits his throat.

And here’s where it gets MESSED UP. CSM catches Skinner (Mitch Pileggi) in his car and offers him a proposition. He will make Skinner immune if he gives up William’s location. After some banter and gun pointing, CSM drops a big reveal and his leverage. Seventeen years prior, he drugged Dana for three days. During that time, he impregnated her with the help of alien technology. WILLIAM IS CSM’S SON! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCK. My heart breaks for Mulder but NO ONE knows. Which is why when Mulder smells smoke on Skinner and attacks him, Skinner says to just leave it alone.

LEAVE IT ALONE, FOX. It’s better that way. This show just got Maury Show complicated. I still have a look of utter shock and disgust on my face, hours later. I don’t even know what to do with myself. They left the door open for a few monster-of-the-week episodes as they “wait for William” to find them and decide to just do their jobs in the meantime. Because Scully, herself, said, “The truth is in the X-files”.

Here’s to one hell of a start to Season 11. We can’t wait to wait to see what’s in store for “The X-Files” this year.

“The X-Files” airs on Wednesday on Fox.

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