Photo by: Todd Wawrychuk

We need to talk about Tilda.

At a mere 27 years of age, Tilda L. Jackson Swinton has accomplished more in her almost three-decade of life than more of us could ever hope for in several lifetimes. We are not jealous or resentful of Swinton’s achievements, we merely accept them as fact.

Because as a great person once said, I believe it was Tilda Argento Swinton (and I paraphrase), It is not the destination that is important, but the journey itself.

Question: About that “27 years of age” thing. Her IMDB page says she was born in November of 1960, which would make her (at the quarantine time of this writing) almost 60 years of age. Where do you get 27?

This is what you get for trusting the internet. Please stop interrupting me while I continue to write about Tilda Day-Swinton. No one cares about your questions. They came to read about Tilda.

A few of her feats you are more than likely aware of:

  • She won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in 2008 for her role in Michael Clayton. Fun Fact – Swinton lobbied for the lead as Michael, but writer/director Tony Gilroy waffled for about 2 months before settling on George Clooney for the title role.
  • In 2004 and 2006, she won Jet Magazine’s Person of the Year. As you know, Jet Magazine’s target audience is usually people of color, which makes a super-white lady like Tilda Swinton such a rarity. I mean, she is SO white. She keeps the award (an actual black jet Airbus A320) in her garage along with her Oscar.
  • Christopher Qualley of Otsego, Minnesota holds the Guinness World Record for growing the heaviest carrot (10.17 Kilograms). Tilda Swinton is in second place with her carrot (affectionately nicknamed “Hilda”) weighing in at 10.14 Kilograms. She has made it her mission in life to snatch that world record from Mr. Qualley. It’s reported she texted him, “I will break that record and with that 10.18 Kilogram carrot I will beat you within an inch of your life.” Mr. Qualley has neither confirmed nor denied any such text exists but he keeps his windows and curtains drawn like a little bitch.

Those are only a few of Miss Swinton’s feats. But we mostly know her are as a fiercely talented actress. So talented, she’s not even cognizant of some of the movies she’s been in over the years.

Personally, I’m only aware of 4, but I’m sure more will be uncovered. Even long after she’s passed away.

SUSPIRIA (2018)
*Possible spoilers, though if you haven’t seen it by now, you don’t get to complain. 

Yes, you’ve seen Tilda Swinton do countless interviews at press junkets talking about her role(s) in Luca Guadagnino’s overly long but still captivating remake. But close friends of hers (and I’d like to think of myself as one of them even though I’ve never met her but have stayed countless nights under the stairwell of her London bungalow) say that she has no recollection of ever being in that movie and that she spent time on that set because Guadagnino is such a good friend of hers. Her appearances at junkets are merely to heap praise on Dakota Johnson and Mia Goth.

Question: Along with Madame Blanc, doesn’t she also play the detective and the coven leader Mother Markos?

Common misconception. Actors merely act. A vessel like Tilda Carole Baskin Swinton becomes.

You can check out our review of the film here

SNOWPIERCER (2013)

Swinton’s role as Mason in Bong-Joon Ho’s apocalyptic train thriller brought together three of Tilda Joon Swinton’s passions of life: trains, freezing weather, and dropping bars on the mic during rap battles. You can see the mic in her hand on the one-sheet. Between takes, she would taunt her co-stars and engage in on-set rap battles with them. Bong Joon Ho stopped filming during these battles because they were too pure to be put on film. It’s rumored Swinton made Chris Evans and Ed Harris cry like little babies after murdering them on the mic. Octavia Spencer handled herself pretty well. Every time Jamie Bell hears rap music, he soils himself.

DEADPOOL 2 (2018)

After her foray into the Marvel Universe with her appearance in Doctor Strange, Tilda Swinton realized she loved wearing elaborate costumes and having a shaved head. She is/was a fan of Ryan Reynolds in Deadpool. So sometime in 2017, she decided to have a little fun and do her best Deadpool impression while rolling around with her friend Josh Brolin. The thing was, DEADPOOL 2 director David Leitch heard about it and began surreptitiously filming Swinton when he should have been doing coverage on Ryan Reynolds. Leitch would have an animatronic robot version of himself when he was supposed to be shooting with Reynolds (the cameras were made out of cardboard and the “crew” were just a bunch of life-sized paper cutouts). Swinton was so much funnier than Reynolds that Leitch used all her footage for the final cut of the movie.

Question: What Happened With All That Footage Shot With Ryan Reynolds himself?

Netflix bought It, took out the Deadpool costume and made it into 6 Underground. Michael Bay attached his name onto it and nobody cared because it’s Netflix.

Tilda Swinton saw DEADPOOL 2 in theaters about a week after its wide release. Like most people, she liked it okay but thought the original was so much fresher. Little did she know that she was in it. Josh Brolin texted how much fun he enjoyed working with her, but Swinton hasn’t returned one of his texts since 2014.

SWALLOW (2019)

Confession – Tilda Swinton doesn’t remember being in this movie because of the things she had to do to be in it. In the film, a young suburban housewife develops a fetish for swallowing things. A lot of things.

Swinton wanted to be in SWALLOW but writer/director Carlo Mirabella-Davis was locked into Haley Bennett. Usually, when Swinton doesn’t get a role she lets it go because something better will come along and usually it does. But because she wanted the part so badly, she (and this is the part she doesn’t remember doing) swallowed Haley Bennett about a week into shooting.

Haley went to her trailer and Swinton was already there waiting for her as she slipped security. Haley was honored to meet her but she had to prepare for the day’s work. Tilda said nothing and swallowed her whole. Took her wardrobe, memorized her pages and director Mirabella-Davis hardly knew the difference.

Tilda Swinton saw the movie at its premiere months later and thought Haley Bennett did a really nice job. Not as good as she would have done it, but a decent one nonetheless.

You can check out our review of the film here

There you have it.

4 movies Tilda Swinton appears in that she doesn’t know she’s in.

I’ve mentioned there are more. I’ve been doing research on this subject for the past 45 years and so many other films Swinton is in have just been made known to me.

In fact, I know for a fact that the last movie you saw stars Tilda Swinton.

Think about it.

 

 

 

Noel Penaflor
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