Movie Review: THE VELOCIPASTOR - Nightmarish Conjurings

Have you ever wanted to see a film just because of the title? Let me give you a little test to see if you want to see this movie. THE VELOCIPASTOR. It can’t be just me. That title alone made me want, nay, NEED to see this movie. You can only imagine what a film called that would be like and it made me wonder if I would be right.

…I was right. It was awesome. Before we get into that, let’s take a look at who made the movie. THE VELOCIPASTOR was written and directed by Brendan Steere. It stars Greg Cohan as Doug Jones, Alyssa Kempinski as Carol, Daniel Steere as Father Stewart, Aurelio Voltaire as Altair, Fernando Pacheco De Castro as Frankie Mermaid (‘cause he’s “swimming in bitches”), Yang Jie Chang as Wei Chan, Jessie Turits as Sam the White Ninja and Zachary Steere as the Dinosaur.

When young priest in training Doug walks out of church and sees his parents explode in a fiery crash, Father Stewart gives him some time off to collect his thoughts and find his faith. Doug goes to China where he contracts a mysterious illness from a tooth. He finds himself changing and turning into a…DINOSAUR. But dinosaurs aren’t real, the church says so. That doesn’t change the fact that Doug kills bad men as the velocipastor, saving a hooker named Carol’s life in the process. They decide to use his new power for good but it would seem a group of ninjas look to eliminate his kind.

If that doesn’t sound amazing to you, then you just don’t like great movies. Don’t get me wrong, THE VELOCIPASTOR is ridiculous. No one will be winning an Oscar for this movie but they embraced that fact and they embraced it hard. If you don’t have the money for amazing effects, you might as well make them over the top ridiculous because in making fun of themselves and having fun, they were able to make the film far more fun and therefore more enjoyable. I laughed my ass off during THE VELOCIPASTOR. It was bloody as hell and mind-numbingly bad but I mean that in the absolute best sense of the word. Shows like Holliston and movies like Bad Ben have done similar things by embracing the cheesiness that horror can be and creating something amazing.

My favorite scene involves Goth musician and Youtuber, Aurelio Voltaire, Doug and Father Stewart. I don’t want to give anything away, but Cohan really gives the dinosaur’s attitude his all and I haven’t seen a dino act that good since the dad from Step Brothers.

I will say that the sex scene needs a seizure warning (jokes aside, the editing is trippy and they should consider that) and the movie wore out its welcome just a little. Making this a short film, even a longer one at 30-45 minutes, would have done the movie more justice but it was just FUN. As much as I like serious horror, sometimes it’s just fun to sit in front of a movie with a plot that makes zero sense, copious amounts of gore and a religious leader with dinosaur hands so as to let your mind go just for just a little. That said, you should 100% watch this movie.

If you think you’re going to watch this film and seriously judge its script, effects and camera work, then you are going to have a miserable time. But if you go into THE VELOCIPASTOR just excited by the title and a man with dino hands, I think you are going to have an amazing experience in low budget indie horror. Plus, it’s going to REALLY piss off the Christians. THE VELOCIPASTOR will be available August 13th on DVD and VOD.

https://youtu.be/emUaCzIB1T8